There's nothing harder than being yourself in this small world of ours.

12/31/2002

if you havent already noticed - theres been some changes around here. basically, i've been attached to my computer for the last two days updating this site. and its new years eve! another year gone by. what a great one it was! made lots of money, spent lots of money (lol), made the biggest decision of my life, and made lots of new friends. started college, passed everything, now im focussing on development of my skills and such. im hoping to read through the flash manual sometime soon (altho at this moment my gut isnt agreeing with that notion), and maybe get a little bit of dreamweaver studying in too.

hope everyone has a good new year! I hope its as properous as this one!

12/19/2002

my ears are popping, my throat hurts, and no i havent been blasting my music and singing along all day. I'm STILL sick. no common medication can help me now. goodbye cruel world!

LOL

its really quite annoying.
I think im going insane. i drew a flower and stuck the paper above the monitor in abscense or the real thing. how classy and improvisational, being held up by a "bristol truck rentals" note holder thingy.

Met a new friend today. Jeff. cool guy, i like him. ;)

rented blade 2 yesterday and watched it as soon as i got home, not because i wanted to, but because there is nothing else to do around here. OMG someone get me a life PUHLEASE!

12/17/2002

well well well. times flying by on x-mas vacation, but x-mas seems so far away. listened to some music someone recommend me. didnt like it really. it was ok, but no where near as stellar as the sonics i frequent. im sick as a dog AGAIN. felt a little tingling in my throat last night and woke up this morning to full fleged WW3 for my tonsils. what fun. I didnt even shower today, thats a good thing about being off school, you can just mope around doing nothing if you please.

Unfortunately, i found out yesterday that the woman i was calling whatever carla, is in my class again this semester. bummer. i hope she's not a bitch this time around. i still love her outside of class though. she's fun and kinda childlike which is amusing. Her ideas of fun arent too far off from mine i guess.

Let's take a trip into my mind for a second. Ever seen the Terminator movies? Well sometimes I think of the world kind of like it's me and everyone else is just kind of these strange robots, here to mold me into the person i am and will be. even my family and the people i love. like what if it's all just one big CHALLENGE? and you have this thing like karma, except it's more personal. if you do wrong to someone else, its gonna come back to you... and not necessarily in a bad way. For instance, if i told someone to fuck off and i really didnt care about their feelings and they actually did fuck off and i never saw them again.. even if i hurt them and they died of total shock, and i didnt care at all.... thats a good thing for me. I didnt feel any karma from being stupid or mean. on the other and, what if i was supposed to feel totally awful, and it was a life changing experience? then it would be like blind karma. I'm wondering if this whole world is jsut one big jungle gym, here for my ammusement. are people real at all? because all i know is that i am. i cant vouch for the billions of others out there - if there is even billions of people out there - but thats another blog altogether..... this whole idea of it's me vs. myself has been with my for the last couple years.

In general, most people realise by the age of 40 that they are going to die. I have already realized it. I don't want to die any time soon. I have to watch my niece grow up and love and protect her. then maybe have my own children and do the same for them. that is if this stupid government and these blind people realise that HEY I'M JUST THE SAME AS YOU. i'll have to find some funky state in the U.S. and go have kids there i guess. what the fuck happened to the world? why can't we just love what we don't know instead of fearing it? just drop all the bullshit and get right down to it.

ok, im going to get to bed, or maybe watch a DVD. prolly the later.

12/10/2002

"We all have the urge to escape and get out of ourselves for a moment through art. Many people sastisfy it by going to see mass-produced movies, or watching TV, or listening to commercial radio: that?s a shortcut. What we need to remember is that art may be within ourselves, our children, and our communities. There may be poets and musicians you can celebrate living next door. Art is all around you."

well put by Melissa Auf der Maur.